I think it is very natural for humans to do things for those in our lives in a show of love and support. In our relationships, we tend to instinctively gravitate to certain behaviors because of the role we have witnessed others play. We think it’s a part of loving, and to a certain degree, it is. But when is it going too far? When are you creating dependency and co-dependency? When are you crossing the line?
Showing love or giving a helping hand in a relationship can seem so innocent and even normal. We often unintentionally cross the line from help to dependency. Until one knows that their actions can be part of the problem, not only for the other person’s disease, but for their unhappiness. This creates an addiction to the addict’s addiction.
I have seen this in myself and so many women. I’m sure it is true of men who have wives, lovers, and friends who have addictions also. These acts of care become disempowering, and they make one sick and tired. At some point, the helper starts to feel resentment and anger.
Look at these examples. Do you see yourself in any of these situations?
Kathy has a good eye for style. Once her boyfriend, Matt, moved in, she bought him a nice shirt and a jogging suit she thought would look good on him. Then she bought matching T-shirts for an event so people would know they were a couple.
Matt used to purchase his clothes and had his own style. However, when Kathy started on this task regularly, she created a dependent situation for someone who is an addict. Not only is she contributing to Matt’s addiction but creating a co-dependency between them.
There’s nothing wrong with this occasional giving, but Kathy is spending her money, time, and energy on dressing an adult. Naturally, she grows to resent Matt because now he expects her to do this for him.
Ever wonder why the character in the movie “Stella Got Her Groove Back” put her husband’s clothes in the car and set them on fire? Could it be that she was angry at herself for the time and energy she spent picking out and buying those garments for him?
Or maybe you’re like Cheryl. She loves to cook. She believes that old saying, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” There’s nothing abnormal about this. In fact, most women do all the cooking in the relationship. Is there a balance? Does the other person wash the dishes after the meal, or do the grocery shopping?
In dealing with an addict, do you find yourself cooking to help them get well, put on the pounds they lost, or do you take them food when they are out there in active addiction?
Do you have a situation like Lisa and Tom, who must live separately? She put his apartment, utilities, and his cell phone in her name. All because he had messed up his credit. Yet, Tom continues to show himself to be irresponsible. So, why would Lisa put herself in this financial trap? They say love can make you do strange things. But, is this really love or a deeper issue? Could it be codependency?
I have learned that to have a healthy relationship, you should not do things for others that they can and should do for themselves. This gives them the power to control their life, actions, and allows them the space to do so. Additionally, it will keep you free of anger and resentment that slide into a co-dependent relationship.